Monday, June 25, 2007


From our political satire buddy David Martin.


by David Martin

Paris Hilton is back in jail and has apparently found God. She was recently spotted carrying a copy of the Bible and now says that her prison experience has changed her and made her “much more spiritual.”

However, it appears that Ms. Hilton’s Bible is not the King James Version or the New International Version. Rather, it seems that she is reading from her own personal version of the scriptures as evidenced by the following passages:

Oprah 3:15

“Be not constrained by the bars of prison but go forth and announce your state to the world. Whomever you choose to call, do so with grace, modesty and a guaranteed 15% audience share.”

Barbara 5:13

“Let not thy View be impaired by the darkness of your cell. For there is another cell called a phone which shall be thy lifeline to the throngs who long for news of your stay. Call when the spirit moves you and fear not that ye shall wake me for the good news is on a 24-hour cycle.”

Phil 4:23

“And the child did lamp unto the feet of the healer and cried out: ‘Why have you forsaken me, Dr. Phil?’ But lo, I have not forsaken you my child but instead I have reserved a fortnight’s worth of episodes to bring you back into the fold.”

2 FOX 6:12

“Know ye that wherever you go, God is with you as is FOX and all of her many channels. Praise the cable universe and the certain wealth that shall be rained down upon you at our most generous rates.”

Numbers 2:23

“Yea though ye serve your full sentence, know that the numbers will continue to rise. Based on the findings of the ones called Neilsen and Gallup and Pew, surely you will be seen by more of the people than you could previously have imagined. Do the time and you will earn the abundance of the Lord.”

Revelations 8:12

“And the people looked heavenward and cried as one: ‘Give us more news of the one they call Paris for we must know whereof she speaks!’ And the one called Paris looked down upon the masses and smiled for she knew that her penance would profit her for all time.”

2 ET 4:26
“The picture taker will live with the gossip monger, the broadsheet will lie down with the tabloid, the news and the entertainment and the trivia together; and an overgrown child shall lead them.”