Tuesday, January 30, 2007

FIve Points Association Internal Memo Leaked!

Our news editor recently slept with Amanda, the new Five Points Association intern, three minutes after meeting her at Chubbys and she left this behind at his apartment. Woops!

(Jokes! This memo isn't real, but you could imagine a recent FPA memo reading something like this......)

Five Points Association
c/o members only
cc. sales@free-times.com

Hey team!
I take it by now you’ve all read the ginormous front-page write-up by Jeff Wilkinson in (drum roll plz) The State this Sunday (Kelly, tell him the check’s in the mail, lol!) but what a good job!, hehe. I’m sure the letters are totally pouring in from Rock Hill to Orangeburg with people wondering like what the hell is 5-points and why is it on the front of their paper. It’s like crazytown what we can do when we all work together! ;)
Anyway, on to biz-nass. I guess it’s obvious that we goofed on the “Free Generica” campaign by trying to be too “ironic.” Like what’s up, people, hello! I thought irony was in. ugh! Anyway, Dennis, I got the proposal from The Gap this weekend and they said they’re right on track (and, duh, they totally loved the article too) so what I’m thinking is if you can get that guy you know on the zoning board to, like, re-zone Harper’s? we can put the Red Lobster there and we just won’t have to worry about parking AT ALL!!1
So, okie-dokey (<--- big dork, I know), well I’m really excited about all this and ya’ll should be too! Not just anybody can spin an entire city block of stores going out of business into a positive thing (and I can’t stress it enough how we have to stay. On. Track. With. The. Positive. Thing. [Denny if that means taking more workshops with Dr. Schwartz then we’ll expense it out as “petty-cash,” lmao) NOT a problem. Hello! Can we say Three Rivers, whaaaaat?
ALSO, I keep getting these angry letters from people who aren’t in the club but it’s totally mostly the (finger quotes) “local business boo-hoos” so I know I shouldn’t let it bother me, but dammit sometimes they can be soooo mean. I just keep sending them Starbucks gift certificates like Debbie said. Oh and Mr. Whit, remind everybody that the parking meter people are ONLY SUPPOOSED TO GIVE TICKTZ to ppl from OUT OF STATE. There’s one guy down there who is just giving them to seriously, like evvverybodddy.
And omg Merritt I almost forgot I still need your information so I can take that grant writing course for you on Pheonix University Online this week.
OKay well, I don’t want my “first official memo” [evvvvrrr} to go to long so I’ll finish it in like two shakes of a clams tail with just the information on who we’ve got on board to move to 5-points once we get all these family-shmamily businesses out of here like Councilwoman “bad hair” Sinclair in a constituency representation, um, thingie or something (I’m trying, ppl!). So…here’s what we got:
• Move over Groucho’s and paint me like a clown— Ronald McDonald is coming to town.
• Hot Topic (but they said Salty’s will totally have to go)
• Starbucks. (Seriously, in the BATHROOM of the one that’s already here… their idea, not mine!)
• A Border’s satellite store to replace Dr. Books.
• Super-DUPER-cuts
Holla for a Dolla
• Yesterday’s is just that—yesterday, lol, Ruby Tuesday’s, guys! We got ‘em.

So there it is, team, my first memoranDUMB, hahaha! I hope it’s OKay for everyone and if you need anything just tell my uncle and he’ll fax it over to me or leave it on my desk (which is like amaaaazing by the way, Thanx, Debbie for the pink EVERYyyerything).

Your new intern,

-----document obtained by Corey Hutchins------